2017 52Weeks composition
August 01 2018
This serves as an introduction to a 52 week photographic journey of exploration and self discovery. I want to pay attention to myself. Who am I to myself? Self discovery is a constant. Embracing it in my own way has been the most rewarding journey. Stripping down to bare all. Learning from myself. Pushing myself. I want this to be hard.
Last year I spent more time then I'd like to admit worrying about things out of my control. Mostly agonizing over learning the constants in life and what I really find important vs the fleeting moments and people who were only in my life for a season. Our circle has gotten so much smaller. Change hurt like hell and still does sometimes, but now it feels so good to embrace the future. I say all of that to say I realize the one constant person I have to deal with is myself.
It only makes sense that I started in the bedroom. Ok let's back track.
I tried to take the first portraits in a location (with help) that I've been wanting to take since we moved here. Hanging off the balcony...it was 18 degrees. I'm new to this whole cold weather thing. I didn't last 5 minutes before my toes were aching and I was pleading for Christian to help me down.
This next day shoot all alone in the bedroom just kind of happened. Christian was giving the boy a math lesson right outside the door as I thumped and bumped on and off our bed taking portraits. It was quite comical to me. I'm glad this is where the first portion of this project is captured. Probably my favorite wall in the house. In one of the most intimate areas. Seems fitting for a start.
This entire project is going to be an absolute over-share. A freeing ranty over-share. An over-share I wish I could share with everyone. I get it, this isn't for everyone. Be it the images or content someone is going to shake their heads in disgust. I welcome it. Back when I thought I wanted to build my commercial photography I lost a client because of an "inappropriate" blurry nude. All I wanted to do was ask "but did you at least read what I wrote!?!" those words were important to me. Sharing bits of myself is now important to me.
#itdontexistifudontshowit… that's derived from a statement from Christian about my personal image hoarding. I'm working on my sharing skills. Now it's become a back and forth ending hashtag between one of my favorite creatives and myself. Let me share:
Dedicated time consists of my bullshit.
Relish in those fleeting moments of "nothingness."
Fuck your grandiose moments in life.
With that said, no this isn't a cry for attention. Actually I'm still quite shy and don't share much of myself with outsiders. Most days in the house I probably look out every window I pass just in case I might catch a glimpse of a bird. Riveting, I know.
Enjoy my "nothingness;" take that how you want.
Currently writing this en route to Texas…. The boy still calls it home, I don't. Washington isn't even "home" to me to be honest. I feel like at the moment we are on a path to visit places, and we haven't decided what that means yet.
Definition of home:
1. The place where one lives permanently, especially as a member of a family or household
2. An institution for people needing professional care or supervision
Let that sink in. No, seriously. Let. That. Sink. In.
I have no home. I have a current dwelling place with two dudes that get me. They legit get me. Where they are I will be. But the clock is ticking on that one. The boy will eventually be leaving us. Christian's travel life can be a trying time. I have to be comfortable in myself.
The majority of you don't know this space. My grandparents dwell here. It's new to them. I won't even say they like it. I should ask them. Their belongings, once possessions of older relatives, situated in this foreign space are new to them. And it feels cold here.
I feel like an outsider when I visit. As I should because I don't live here. To me it only makes sense to capture myself in a space that also screams "you are an outsider." eventually I'm sure we will all find our comfort.
"Be you. The world will adjust."
I read that aimlessly scrolling through Facebookearlier this week. It resonated for so many reasons. So far, during both Texas visits something has happened inside of me. I hope it happens every time I come here. It's hard to explain so I won't even try. You either get me or you don't.
Earlier this week the boy asked "mom, why do you only sleep on one side of the bed?" Simple enough answer: "that's dads side."
Texas trips are isolating. I've been trying to convince myself they aren't.
The boy and I are back in Washington after two weeks in Texas visiting family and friends. It was a good visit but when that cold air hit us walking off the plane I felt like I was alive again. I remember I used to be so miserable when it was in the 50s back in Texas. Silly me.
It felt so good to walk in the house. Lay in our furniture-less living room. Light incense in every room. I was so exhausted, but the fact we were all back together was enough to keep me up. Ok maybe I was a little snappy off and on but fortunately my guys can look past my random bouts of moodiness. (Don't worry I was apologetic once I realized.)
Being away always makes me realize why Christian and I are the way we are. Why we are raising the boy the way we do. That's not a slight to our upbringings or our family and friends. It's hard to explain. We're just different. Voluntary outcasts if you will. It's hard not to be at this point in our evolving lives together.
Evolving seems to be all we talk about. What's next? Where do we see ourselves in the next few years? Where are we going next? What we don't think about is where we will settle down, so when people ask I'm legit stumped.
It's exciting to not know. With that said what's more exciting to me lately is Washington. Everyday I fall deeper and deeper in love with the space around us. We haven't even ventured out far yet.
I'm learning to enjoy the moments as they come and just enjoy my life more. From the book I'm currently reading: "tuning into yourself is the first step toward tuning into others."
Maybe it's because we were gone again but the property around the house seems totally new. And I love it.
Warning: feeling all moody.
When posting pictures and or blogging there are legit maybe under five people who I am sure will read and pay attention. Anything above I'm always shocked.
My images and text are thought out for the most part. I digress.
When one of said people say "I've seen better from you but I didn't bother to read what you wrote" it resonates. Trust me I bypass so much thinking "why?" what is a like or even a comment. I enjoy this outlet. Time to do more. Evolve more. You should see the written thoughts and images I hoard.
But like everyone else a part of me is saying:
Look at me.
I am important.
But mostly I'm all like fuck it.
Let me let some of you in on a little secret: I never wanted to have a kid. Ever. I won't say I don't like children, but I don't like children. I don't mean that in a get all kids away from me type of way, I mean that in the "why are folks raising their children to be so awful" type of way. Yes. That's me judging. Read on.
I know that statement comes off strong, maybe even surprising seeing as I have some of the best little people in my life. And believe me I have some of the greatest. I even spent years working around kids. I'm just not the "all children are perfection so I want to hug them" type person.
He's named after some of the greatest men in my life. He taught me that although I don't feel maternal, I am. I admire his caring nature. His ability to go into any situation with confidence. I was extremely shy growing up and just didn't talk. The way he can hold an intelligent conversation with meaning is everything to me.
He's also a disgusting 10 year old boy. He eats like a beast who needs to get a job today! a comic book reading, dead thing collecting adventure seeker. If left alone too long I'm sure he would fling himself off the balcony to see if he could grab onto a tree. Ok I'm being dramatic. Christian and I know the boy could survive if he needed to.
Everyday I can tell that he's maturing. He has such a command of his emotions it surprises me. His work ethic is impeccable. Part of me gets all sappy about him getting older, but I can't wait to see where life takes him. For now I'm enjoying every moment we share together. He makes me want to be a better person.
My artist child wanted to strip and go outside so I listened. I sat at the door to our studio looking outside and then it hit me. Go outside. I'll be listening more.
I feel I am currently in a state of flux. Something is happening inside of me, I have to motivate myself. It doesn't come from anywhere else. It doesn't come from anyone else. I am my own stimulation. Sometimes I forget that.
Flowers. They stink. They make my eyes itch and make me sneeze. They smell like nature. Nature makes me sneeze. Nature is my life. Its ever changing cycles speak to me personally. The constant new beginnings. The periods of dormancy.
I cry a lot more than people around me realize. I'm a happy person who doesn't mind admitting I hurt.
I've been dormant. I couldn't just let my crazy out for no reason right? I can't just literally show my ass just because right? I can't just spill all my deep dark personal thoughts just because right?
Watch me let my crazy out over and over. Keep turning away. Keep ignoring it exists. I'm growing. Blossoming. I have learned so much about myself and those around me in the past nine weeks. It has only been nine weeks. Forty three more to go. Forty three more ranty over-shares from me. Deal.
This week I’ve been reflecting more than usual. I was trying to remember when I first started changing. When I really started learning who I was. It was a slow process for me. I’d like to think it’s a slow process for everyone who really takes the time to really get to know themselves. It’s hard to pinpoint the moment I started stripping away all the nonsense of my life.
I remember when I had this idea that I had to suppress so much of myself to make those around me comfortable. I think initially a majority of us do it. Even if you don't want to admit it to yourself, at some level it’s done. I’ve always simply just wanted to make my parents proud, I think that’s our natural desire as children.
I was 17 the day my mom dropped me off at school and before I got out of the car she told me I should probably just move out. Me and my flippant I know everything ways got it together really quick.
One time I was in the process of telling my dad to "shut up" but only managed to get out "shhh" before he ended all that noise.
I literally remember every time my brothers called me ‘thunder thighs’ once my body started changing. It wasn't until we were much older that I told them how much that stung.
I remember hearing my sister call me a cunt to one of her friends. Not even sure if she remembers she did that. It’s not something I like to talk about, and we’ve come a long way in our relationship.
Worst day of my life was when I saw the look my dad gave me when I told him I was pregnant. I told him and he literally just looked at me, turned around and didn't speak to me for 2 hours. When he finally came to talk to me I thought he was going to yell and scream at me. Such a silly thought to have, I did not grow up with parents that yelled and screamed at each other much less their children. He hugged me and started crying and saying how he only wanted the best for me. I just held him back crying saying "don't cry daddy, don't cry."
It’s so funny to think about all those moments, to share them. I share them because I have changed so much. Learned so much. Grown so much. I could have never convinced my younger self that in the future I would have enough confidence to really live life the way I want. Heck, to be lounging around naked without caring if someone can see me. I absolutely enjoy this transition from my first real winter to spring, the slow receding of the snow exposing all the new growth.
There is something exhilarating about life lately. I wish I could bottle that emotion and break it out on the days I just feel like nothing's going right. Life is just too short.
Connections are important. I am only as good as the people I choose to surround myself with.
Every Texas visit is such a different kind of eye opener for me. I learn more about those in my life and so much about myself. I feel really good about this past visit, and I realized it is because Christian I have some amazing people in our lives.
One time I heard this guy called himself a "2 time loser" but I know better than that.
Where do you start when you've known someone during the bad and the good? Even during the bad this man kept me laughing like no other. All those memorable nights around fires. That one time I lit a cigarette backwards (don't ask). One of the first people to get to the hospital after the birth of the boy. Christian has said he's one of the best persons he's ever met and happy I brought him into his life. He's one of those who is hard on the outside but a big ol softy once you really get to know him.
I get to call this man my friend. My ridiculously talented friend, at that. An artist. The husband and I have officially dubbed him our tattoo artist for always. Watching him work is absolutely captivating. Nothing better than having these crazy long drawn out sessions because we can't stop laughing. Or he's laughing at me as his wife videos my random fits of pain. Good times all around.
Don't worry he's more than just a skilled artist he's also super cool cause he has the biggest pole Christian and I have ever seen in person.
Yes. That's what she said.
I'm sure people think I frown a lot, but it isn't so much out of anger than that's just what my face looks like most of the time.
Anger was once a common emotion for my past self. If you've never felt anger that made you want to throw up, congratulations. If you've never had enough anger to send you into a panic attack I envy you. If you've never had so much anger that you had sweaty palms, gritted your teeth until you felt they would break, been so angry you legit had to sit down because you got light headed, or had your heart in your eyes and ears, I'm telling you that you aren't missing anything. I swear tears are hotter when you angry cry.
The first "angry" story I remember my parents telling about me is when I was learning to tie my shoe. I couldn't get it so I threw them across the room. Cute story.
Growing up I used to throw my stuff around when I got frustrated with stupid things like not being able to get my fitted sheets on correctly. My siblings and I dubbed it as me "blowing my bananas". No comment.
When something frustrated me from 19-22 I used to calmly go to my car, turn the radio on super loud, and scream.
Fast forward to when I was a new nursing mother who had a lactose intolerant baby but at the time didn't know it. One night the boy cried so long and loud I put him in his bassinet and threw a blanket down. It landed on his feet and that was my first moment in life that I mentally stopped and said whoa. I threw a blanket down in a moment of "why won't you stop crying" anger. That could've ended differently.
One time, for whatever the reason, I got so mad I threw a screw driver across the room. It bounced off the t.v. Then left a dent in the wall. Another whoa moment.
I don't even know who that person is any more. Yes, I still get mad. It's just how I react to that anger. I really try to first check-in with myself. I pay attention to my heart beat, my breathing… did the hair on my arms stand up? Did I clench my teeth, or can I feel it in my lower back? If I answer yes to any of these, I physically remove myself from the situation, or mentally I check out.
I don't expect everything to be perfect. I don't expect everyone to be perfection. I do know I am done with all the negativity. I'm a work in progress.
I'm just going to continue to focus on being the care free, do what I want, when I want type being I ultimately aim to be. Life is too spectacular and too brief to focus on anything else.
Seriously everyone should do themselves a favor and just strip down for a naked romp.
This is literally just a personal exercise. One I'm deciding to do publicly. I can't force taking a picture. I now realize the same goes for my writing. I have literally been writing and scratching out, typing and deleting, jumping from one subject to another all week.
I'm not even going to force it. You'd be able to tell I was faking it.
I'm addicted to living in the now but still so obsessed with having things to look forward to. I literally always have a mental countdown going.
So much to look forward to.
I can't even remember when I started that tradition. Pretty sure it was the trip he took right after we signed the lease in our first apartment together. We literally signed, moved some things in, and the he was gone. I finished up with help. Celebrated when he came home.
Every time he's back in town no matter the duration we pop bottles. Cause we're fancy. That's jokes y'all. Truth is I just like having things to look forward to. I love surprises. I love surprising him. It's so easy. He never expects anything.
I'm a giver. Or I have been a giver. No I'm still a giver. I'm just more selfish now. More selfish with myself. She's kind of my favorite person these days. Y'all just don't get it and that is fine with me.
The next time someone asks me what it is I actually do with my life now besides get naked I need to make a point to laugh instead of feel slighted. Usually I go on this silly explanation of my day to day but it just isn't that serious.
I'm enjoying this freedom. That's what it is. It's not "bravery" it's not "confidence" it is literally me shedding some layers and really living. Breathing. Enjoying my life. Cheers!
I am literally making a better attempt at embracing change. Recently I was denying my own change.
Time to over-share and have you in my business!
Red eyes. Gritty eyes. Optical migraines leading to total loss of vision in one eye. Random weird eye pain. It's been a minor bummer.
I finally went to the doctor so for the time being you can catch me with random red eyes as I get through this whole "let's find out which drops full of medicines make your eyes not suck phase"
Glaucoma at 32. First I want to give a shout out to my pops who I always strive to be like even in genetic diseases! I kid y'all. That man is great but I sure didn't think this was a thing for early 30's me.
My vision is spectacular. My optic nerve is beautiful, and my brain is "normal" as doc puts it. Super!
Weird to even fathom the thought of not addressing the pain to only be left with vision loss. Playing the what if game is silly but I can't help but do it. It's a worthless game I know.
I can see. Yes sometimes it feels like sand is in my eyes and makes me uncomfortable but I will deal.
This is just another form of my own personal growth. I have to learn to enjoy every aspect of my life even when this body of mine starts failing me. I want to be still. Connect more. Listen to myself.
This is still just a learning experience.
Ya’ll……….. I literally said this wasn't for everyone.
So far after nonverbal and verbal "shame on you" statements have been dished out I'm going to let you know I'm still living my life exactly how I see fit. Doing exactly what I want when I want.
This has generated some invigorating conversations but ultimately I am still on this exciting path of self discovery.
I will continue to tell myself:
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.
My lubz, as I affectionately call him, moved to Houston at the end of 2012. The beginning of 2013 I was like "bro you have no friends and we are friends so come hang out" and this began our frequent hang out sessions.
Funny story after listening to him vent about his, at the time, ending marriage I bluntly told him "bro you're the type of dude I'd never date." (Just joking I wasn't such a heavy "bro" user back then.)
We were strangers that turned into true friends. So when people would ask about the purity of our friendship and accuse us of sleeping together it hurt. It made me cry. It made me cry because our friendship was something so special to both of us.
I'm going to speak for him because we are so much alike. I helped him heal. He helped me heal. We bonded. We healed over hockey, our love of the natural world and birding, over love for photography and his hidden artistic talents. Our strained relationship with family and how we wanted them to be better. We bonded over half frozen, half on the rocks margaritas and creamy jalapeño ranch dip (back in our unhealthy days). We even got our first matching tattoos together on a whim after a Sunday funday and darts.
The first time he told me he had feelings for me I dismissed him and said we were just friends. Now look at us. We can't even decide the moment of when "being together" started for us. Life just happened and shifted and melted into what we are now. Partners. Parents raising this little dude who, if you ask me, got super lucky with his no nonsense type care takers.
Lubz has been out of town a ton. I want to say he's been home for a month straight at some point, but I'm just not sure. Swear it's happened. I just feel like we are always saying we miss each other. This is me publicly whining.
Our time together is special. Our time apart is special. It really makes us realize how important they way we live is. Reaffirms our choices.
Confession I literally lucked up. He lucked up. Take us as we are.
To study ourselves is to study the boy, because we are downloading our interpretation of the world onto this growing man. Lately we are pleased that he realizes he is not "special" since it reflects our values. No matter what we don't believe in entitlement, and although we each are unique, we don't believe we or anyone else is remarkable. We are all born, we live life, and then we die. We think it is the easy way out to tell the boy he is "special," so instead, we teach him to live with integrity and individualism so that in the future when he is near the end he will be able to look back and know he lived his life to the fullest.
As we grow together we realize we want to explore different routes of thinking and living, not exactly a common philosophy. One of our goals is to give him the opportunity to experience moments of life we were not given as children because our parents weren't as fortunate as us to have that ability. Everyone lives differently, our life is no more important than the next person's, and life is not a competition; that's all we care about as we move forward together.
He looked at this picture and with wide eyes said "I'm just so puny compared to the world!" Those are the moments when we know he's growing into the type of man we want him to be.
My mental health is very important to me now. My past self not so much. If I do not have myself in order I can not be a beneficial partner. If I do not have myself in order how can I expect to be the type of mother I strive to be. If I do not have myself in order I cannot cultivate the types of relationships with family and friends I want.
Think before you do. I'm not sure how many times we have Vassar repeat that daily. I am trying to lead by example. We both are. We are so far from perfect and we falter. When we falter we gather ourselves discuss and then discuss some more.
I relish in these learning moments. The family growth that happens at these times cannot be replaced.
After a major life event I think it is only natural to delve deeper into self discovery.
I questioned myself. Silly me.
Being comfortable with myself has taken years. Almost 33 to be exact. Being comfortable makes people question me. They question Christian. They question the boy.
Fair enough. I ask questions when I don't understand something. I literally just want to understand other people. How they think. What drives them. What makes them tick. I enjoy learning about people.
I only ask that in return.
Ask me questions. Make an attempt to understand me. Talk to me and judge me later. I am literally just like who ever bothers reading this. Someone trying to navigate through this amazing crazy life we are all sifting through.
My continued self discovery is my current addiction.
This is still my favorite place in the house.
I am content.
Something changed inside of me the moment I decided to be more mindful in how I lived my life. I decided to be more mindful with my words and interactions. I always knew what I did not want to be, how I did not want to raise the boy, and how I did not want to feel.
I am thankful to myself for being thoughtful in decisions that have brought me to where I am today. I am thankful for taking responsibility in my own actions. I am thankful to have a partner who is just as eager to grow as I am.
Everyday I'm learning. Still growing. I find that's the beauty in the life we are living. Mistakes can be forgiven with time. Understanding each other is all we can do.
I want to be open and transparent.
I said I wanted to be more transparent so here goes: this will literally be about a failed attempt at a "brilliant" photo I asked Christian to help me with.
This picture was simply the lighting test before I planned on something else.
It took no more than ten minutes. I started itching in a place I just wanted to ignore so I pushed it out of my mind. By the time I was in the house my butt was literally on fire. A slow burn that just took over. Tried showering. Applying anything to soothe the itch but nothing helped. I couldn't walk. To top it off the picture I wanted did absolutely nothing for me. I literally laid in bed on my stomach googling plants of the area and questioning how nature could have betrayed me!
Made for some great family comedy. The boy saying how "foolish I was to sit bare butt outside." Lubz asking if I needed to "take a butt nap to feel better." Those guys, as always, made an uncomfortable situation so tolerable.
I remember when something like this would ruin my entire day. How I used to let others people's opinions about me change the way I felt. It's almost comical to think about. Growth.
This is the blog I never wanted to have to do. We all knew it was coming.
I don't know what goes through a strangers mind when they have to verbalize their disdain for another human being. It just doesn't compute with the life I've lived or the one I'm trying to live.
I remember the first time someone called me a nigger. I remember friends' parents hanging up in my face when I called. We get it, the name Myesha is a very telling one. I remember being the butt of a wedding joke because I was "the dark past." let's not forget all the "it's ok Myesha, you're not like a real black girl" moments.
I literally had no feelings towards the person in the moment. I guess we just build up a sort of tolerance. Yes I keep saying we.
The end of June marks a year living in Washington. We almost made it a year without a verbal interaction from a stranger.
I was alone. Just quickly running into the corner store. He backed outta his spot, spit a huge wad of dip in my direction and uttered words that should've stopped me in my tracks. I kept walking. Why give this coward in his truck driving away the satisfaction. Or was it, 'why provoke him?'
I'm still processing.
I went inside and had the normal pleasant interactions with the people who work there. They know me. I'm not surprised. People who shop there stare sometimes. I'm use to the looks by now. I came home and continued cooking dinner for the family.
Eventually I told Christian what happened.
"Are you ok" he asked me. "Yes. I'm ok. I'm glad I was alone" is all I told him.
We try and explain things to the boy, but we know it hasn't quite clicked for him yet. I'm not looking forward to the day he gets his feelings hurt. I remember mine. The way my brothers got their feelings hurt. The way my cousins felt it. Who wants their kid to feel what I hear my grandparents and parents talk about. We all think it'll get better eventually right?
Funny this altercation took me back to an interaction in april. Walking back to the car from birding. An older gentlemen asked me if I saw anything. I knew what was coming because it always happens when I happily rattle off my bird sightings to a stranger. The look of surprise when I name more than just a few birds. Then the questions come.
"I don't mean to sound racist but...(at this point I take my much needed breath and brace myself) how do you know so much about birds?" silence from me and an awkward "I'm so sorry" look from what I could only gather might be his adult son. Older gentleman continues "...i mean I don't typically see many people of color outside on the trails birding."
I simply explain that I met a wonderful friend that introduced me to the hobby. Which of course he then said "but I don't see many colored people outside hiking."
Y'all. When I hear someone say "colored" I literally have to stifle back a laugh. Still smiling I politely explained to him that I grew up in nature compliments of my mother and that there are plenty 'people of color' who enjoy the great outdoors. To which he replied "well, go mom! thank you for bothering to answer my questions and I'm glad to see you out here enjoying yourself."
These kinds of interactions are exhausting. It's exhausting when people stare. It's exhausting trying to explain to someone that people like you enjoy living life too. It's exhausting when you are made the spokesperson. It's exhausting when within the first moments of meeting someone they insist you have to meet the other black people they know. It's exhausting when you are the outlet for hate.
What isn't exhausting is that this isn't our narrative since choosing to live where we live. This isn't a reflection of the people who have embraced us. This isn't our feelings of the upper left portion of these states we are wandering. We don't expect our wander to be an easy one. I am still forever thankful for the unpleasant life lessons that will come my way.
According to the boy I am the most dramatic person in the house.
Confession: I am moody.
There are literally days where I don't want to hear it. I don't want to talk. I just want to lay in bed.
I crave silence.
I back slid this week. That then led to absolutely berating myself for having negative emotions. Which then led to conversation after conversation trying to get to the truth behind my negative feelings.
We are creatures of habit. I'm still focusing on changing some of my habits. It is so easy for me to fall back into complaining about this and that. Complaining about who hurt me and why. Complaining about the past. My focus is trying to discuss and move forward. I literally have to realize not everyone wants to discuss and get to the bottom of things before moving on. Sweeping things under the rug is so much easier.
I remember how bad I would freeze up when confrontation would arise. The thought of discussing my feelings was so far from reality. I just didn't know how to have a conversation about my thoughts and feelings. I think this stems from the years of overlooking and sweeping under the rug from my family. I'll never understand that aspect of my upbringing.
Again, I'm focusing on changing past habits. Letting go of the negative emotional garbage I've been hoarding.
If you focus on the hurt, you will continue to suffer. If you focus on the lesson, you will continue to grow.
Many thanks, peace, love, and light to those with me as I continue to grow.
33 years this month.
Take time to listen. This is why you have come. If you listen, you will hear what you have been called into the silence to hear. You will hear what you need to hear – now, at this time, in this place. The voice which speaks the truth you need to hear is already there within you. It may be soft and gentle, barely a whisper; it may be loud and urgent, not to be ignored. Take time to listen to this voice. It is the voice of your deepest self and it will speak to your hopes and dreams and sorrows. It will bring healing and peace, joy and inspiration. It will guide you towards the ultimate mystery. It will show you the path you must walk. Listen to this voice. Listen with the ear of your heart. Listen.
Contemplation in my parents living space. I do this every time I visit.
The question for myself is why do I have no emotional attachment here. The things that have happened in the house make me smile but also make me numb. I love my family, my parents are fantastic but I don't understand them. I know they don't always understand me. I've always had a very separate and unique relationship with all four of my siblings, but I don't understand them.
My family hurts me. I've hurt them. I'm relearning my place. I never wanted to be apart of those "oh I haven't talked to them in years" type families, so I bite my tongue when I shouldn't, I speak my mind when I shouldn't, but mostly I love the hell out of them regardless. The growth between all of us is hard for me to put into words. We aren't perfect but none of us strive for perfection. Transparency is teaching me to really decide what makes me uncomfortable.
Stop yourself when you're resisting. When you feel yourself approaching a vulnerable moment, don't clench. Don't put up the wall and the pretenses that'll keep you hidden, but rather give yourself permission to experience the feelings that you'll have as a consequence of your vulnerability, good or bad.
He can see beyond my selfishness. I want to be more selfless for him. More selfless for myself. We both strive to be better partners to each other. The moment we stop striving will be the end of us. Neither of us are quitters. I can only be a portion of my true self without his companionship. My life is not about me.
This is where you can find me when I'm in my feelings. This is when he knows something's on my mind.
What do you say when you have nothing yet everything on your mind? I am learning the task of examining myself and what I deem important is exhausting.
He told me recently "sometimes I just feel like y'all have these high standards for me" and I wanted to respond "you damn right boyzo!" Instead it was an intense conversation as to why his life is "different" than others.
He will be better than us. He will experience more than us. He will learn more than us. He will fail. He will be hurt and hurt people. He will question himself. He will recover and he will succeed. He will grow into an amazing man who will change someone's life. He will explore more.
We do not strive to make him like us. We don't want that life for him. He will be better than us.
Lovemaking. Besides the obvious definition it is also "the act of courtship and wooing", so says the dictionary.
Woo: to seek the affection or love of someone.
Years ago I cut my hand so I didn't want to get it wet. I literally can't remember what I did. We say we were "just friends" at the time, but there had to have been some kind of seed already planted. I cared about him, but "not in that way," is what I'd always tell myself. We were always together -- best friends for a reason.
Naturally, when no one else wanted to help, I asked if he'd help me wash my hair between visits for loc maintenance. I didn't know he was nervous. Not sure I've ever known when he's been nervous.
It was a sweet first interaction. I literally had to keep prompting him that he'd actually have to put forth some vigor if he was going to actually do any good for my newly forming locs. He kept asking if the water was ok or if he was hurting me. We talk about that moment often.
Now years later it's a comforting thing when he washes my hair. Intimate. Our life isn't perfect even when people try to tell us it is. We have to cleanse and wash away like everyone else.
This is our growth.
I was home alone for the entire week.
Being transparent doesn't mean telling everyone every intimate detail of our life. It does mean correcting people who say Christian and I have a perfect relationship. We have our moments like everyone else.
This week was rough.
Sometimes I spiral. I don't mean that in a "my life is such a crazy whirl wind of emotions" type of way, I mean it in a momentary "what was I thinking type way."
Mentally packing for a two week excursion made me realize I have too many options. I use the word options very loosely.
I am now at the stage of my life where I want to be comfortable. I want to be subdued, yet me, in appearance if that makes sense.
The first time I can remember making a conscious purge I filled trash bags full of clothes and shoes and whatever the younger neighbor and her cousin didn't take I donated.
I did a mindless purge when I moved out of my parents house. A mindful purge after living out of a bag for 3 weeks in Europe.
Now I'm here. Pairing down once again. First I will say part of me is disgusted I have so much. Disgusted because so much is pointless. Disgusted because it's just down right wasteful and materialistic. I have things I haven't touched in literally years. There is also a part of me that gets excited about going through this process. There is something refreshing about simplifying my life. I ultimately want to make better decisions.
Purging together makes it even better.
I'm not quite sure why my personality upsets people. If I say too much that's an issue. If I do not say enough that is a problem. My words are condescending. I just don't know how to talk to people, or the classic, "Myesha, you know how you are."
"you know you aren't how people described you -- everyone told me not to bother getting to know you because you're a bitch," said the new kid to me in high school after he was there for two weeks.
I will not tell you that I am the nicest person. I will not tell you that I am not. I will not pretend that I do not know what I want by now. I tolerate much less in my life. I say less because I am not interested in needlessly filling the air with words. My goal is to think before I speak, and digest everything around me. I want to be mindful in my actions. I say this quite a bit.
Solitude is important to me. This is why I do not speak. This is why I venture off. Funny how we had to come to the most populated place on Earth to find a moment to myself.
We make assumptions about what others are doing or thinking -- we take it personally -- then we blame them and react by sending emotional poison with our word. That is why whenever we make assumptions, we're asking for problems. We make an assumption, we misunderstand, we take it personally, and we end up creating a whole big drama for nothing.
Continually cleansing to be the best version of myself.
"regularly cleansing your aura and your personal energy is an essential act. Whether or not you know it, you come into contact with various people and environments, all of which have their own energy vibrations. Not all of these frequencies are high and positive; because your energy field is constantly taking in and putting out vibrations, some of the vibrations (including your own thoughts, as well as external influences) are low and will bring you down if left unchecked. While our energy body is constantly readjusting itself to bring our energy back into harmony, the negative energies can linger and build up over time."
One of these days I'll talk about my experience during the time we spent in asia. Till then I'm taking this time to enjoy my memories.
"I can love you better then she can"
Music. It gets me thinking sometimes. I can't. I don't know her. She doesn't know me. We aren't the same. Who's to say I can do anything better than the next person.
Sometimes I want to know, but then I don't. These are my personal thoughts made public. These are the moments I publicly doubt myself.
Confidence is an issue at times. I know it. He knows it.
It's been an interesting journey having someone be so blatantly ugly to you when they don't even know you. Or won't take the time to get to know you. Life is funny that way. It changes people even when they don't want it to. Embrace the change.
I'm being optimistic. We won't be friends. That's not my choosing. It makes me look at myself in a whole new way.
September 2014, Cannon Beach, Oregon. That tiny spec of a person is me walking away from him. He didn't know what was going on with me then. I told him sometime after we got engaged three months later.
I assumed he was going to ask me to marry him that day. When I realized that's not what was going to happen I felt extremely angry with myself. Angry because I was so self absorbed in that moment. How arrogant of me.
It seems so long ago. No more assuming. My reality is not the reality of the next person. I learn everyday to stop trying to force my reality on the next person. It is hard. Hard because my reality is becoming more clear and with that clarity comes the realization I am out growing those around me. This is a natural progress I have been going against. Time to let go and let my reality flow.
It can be a scary road when you realize the people you thought would always be around aren't. The people I thought I couldn't imagine life without are becoming and will become distant memories. People I literally still love no longer have a place in my life. I have been at fault for years.
Everyone should expect to be treated how they want to be treated. We all have different expectations for said treatment. What I want will always differ from the next person and vice versa.
If I can't treat someone how I want to be treated I need to remove myself from their presence. If I treat someone poorly then I applaud them for removing me from their life. Someone can only express so many times how another's actions hurt them, apologies only go so far. Actions or lack there of only go so far. I understand this now more than ever.
My life. That’s the focus. Again my mental health is very important to me. I'm still healing. Facing myself. Presenting myself to this world. This is me.
I am grateful for the stillness life provides. A better understanding of self is a learning experience and I will bring more loving kindness into my life practice. Growth.
Lovingkindness is a form of love that truly is an ability, and, as research scientist have shown, it can be learned. It is the ability to take some risks with our awareness—to look at ourselves and others with kindness instead of reflexive criticism; to include in our concern those to whom we normally pay no attention; to care for ourselves unconditionally instead of thinking, "I will love myself as long as I never make a mistake." it is the ability to gather out attention and really listen to others, even those we’ve written off as not worth our time. It is the ability to see humanity in people we don't know and the pain in people we find difficult.loving kindness isn't the same as passion or romantic love, and it’s not sappy sentimentality. As I’ve said, we don't necessarily like or approve of everyone to whom we offer lovingkindness. Focusing our attention on inclusion and caring creates powerful connections that challenge the idea of an "us/them" world by offering a way to see everyone as "us".
Evolution of self.
I've had a pile of dead things for a while now. Collecting what I could because I just knew I wanted to do something with them. Doing research on how to harvest from the dead things I stumble on.
When I made the first piece out of a dead bird I found it felt good to actually do something with the things I’ve been hoarding.
I legit got misty eyed the first time I hung it up. Taking these over looked discarded items has brought me so much joy.
My artistry is evolving. It's growing. Showing it was something I really never imagined.
Change is so refreshing.
Currently feel like I am forever in flux.
... Falling is an indication of insecurities, instabilities, and anxieties. You are feeling overwhelmed and out of control in some situation in your waking life. This may reflect the way you feel in your relationship or in your work environment. You have lost your foothold and keep up with the hustle and bustle of daily life. When you fall, there is nothing that you can hold on to. You more or less are forced toward this downward motion without any control. This lost of control may parallel a waking situation in your life.
Falling dreams also often reflect a sense of failure or inferiority in some circumstance or situation. It may be the fear of failing in your job/school, loss of status, or failure in love. You feel shameful and a lost sense of self-esteem you are unable to keep up with the status quo and feel that you don't measure up.
According to freudian theory, dreams of falling indicate that you are contemplating giving in to a sexual urge or impulse. You are lacking indiscretion.
Falling dreams typically occur during the first stage of sleep. Dreams in this stage are often accompanied by muscle spasms of the arms, legs, and the whole body. These sudden contractions are also known as myclonic jerks. When you sometimes have these falling dreams, you may feel your whole body jerk or twitch and actually awaken from this jerk. It is thought that this jerking action is part of an arousal mechanism that allows you to wake up quickly and be on the alert to possible threats in the environment...
His change is evident. He constantly makes us question our parenting methods. He knows we are hard on him for a reason. We know we are hard on him for a reason. His end result is important to us. His growth is everything to me.
I'm grateful he crawls in bed with me just about every morning. If I don't feel well he always brings me tea. He will randomly give the best boy massages and always helps me cook when he gets the chance. He saves all of his questions for the moment I get on the phone or go in the bathroom. He will make a great companion some day.
Watching him blossom into a young man has taught me things that never crossed my mind. His love for exploration is refreshing. His mindfulness is becoming more evident. I only hope we will continue to mold him into a man who is proud of himself.
Bowing is a gesture of respect.
I saw him during my sleep recently. We didn't talk. He just walked around and was smiling. I’ve never known him not to smile. To smile through hurt takes skill. He has taught me so much. To know him like I do is a privilege.
I thanked him recently for his transfer of energy that he did not know I kept. When I make a change it will stay. I am forever grateful for a continued relationship with such a powerful man.
Confessions: I lack stimulation at time. I️ lack motivation. Sometimes I just don't care. Then I remember to embrace that lull in life and make the most of it. We are always healing. Healing does not always require our thought and energy. This is my body at its natural state.
Does it make sense to divulge everything. Not to hide things, but to keep something for myself. I have been struggling with this recently. I consider myself a giver. Part of me feels quite exhausted and makes me want to be extremely selfish with myself.
You may be driven by the desire to understand and explain - but you also need to learn to be more accepting of the fact that not all people have the desire to listen, and that doesn't necessarily make them inferior to you - it could be that they already have a deeper or different understanding of the topic. Or perhaps it’s simply not the right time. Other people may find you frustrating if you lecture them and talk down to them in a patronizing way. No matter how good your intentions are, you can come off as arrogant and condescending, like you’re always placing yourself in a position of superiority. Learning when to talk, and when to let others talk, is the core challenge that you have to overcome on the path to self-actualization.
I'm learning more and more when to shut my mouth and keep my opinions to myself.
I want to say less and mean more. I want to focus more. I want to deprive myself of things I enjoy just to take a moment for myself.
To bring happiness to others, we must be happiness. And this is why we always train ourselves to first take care of our own bodies and minds. Only when we see solid can we be our best and take good care of our loved ones.
More mindful meditation is in my future.
My introspection is my accountability. My reflection is my acceptance. I embrace all of the life choices that have brought me to this moment in life. I have no excuses. Enjoy my private moment.
We Means 3 is shifting. The boy is in flux and coming into his own. We are both eager yet patiently waiting to see what will come from him. He is my growth.
Gifted a hand-made canvas; very fitting as we come into a new phase in life. Together we will create.
The end is necessary. When the end comes isn't always up to us. Closure means everything. New beginnings are ahead. Cheers.
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