Humans couldn't be social animals if fully conscious of everything words and actions communicated; there would be no secrets, and thoughts would provide no seclusion if we were totally aware of who we are. We would control all our communication.
And since we are monogamous we choose our mates with a purpose since we can't be totally honest about ourselves, even though we rarely know who that is. Perhaps total self-awareness is impossible, but a well-matched mate provides a mirror to help decode your origin, if you care to know it.
I do not share because it simply isn't a necessity for me like it used to be. I’ve been hoarding these words for a while.
My private thoughts: my life is boring.
We sat by the lake and ate lunch as he read from the book we have been reading together daily as a family. The boy was intently listening as he shoved a stick in the dirt all the while feeding his face. I crunched my meal while listening. Taking the moment in and realizing what was happening.
On a random Tuesday, Christian finished work early so we trekked next door to idaho to saunter along a portion of lake Pend Orielle. It was chilly and windy but sunny. Very pleasant. I collected random finds, the boy ran around finding amazing rock after rock, and Christian took pictures. Nothing Earth shattering.
After we ate lunch and took a break from our readings we scaled up a "hill" to take this picture. This is our life. One that gives us random Tuesday’s doing what we love best. Being together.
Welcome to my private life. We means three.
While we spend a great deal of time pondering the past and planning for the future, neither of them is occurring right now. The only time we ever live is in the present, but the present is elusive, changing in each nanosecond; we cannot stop the flow of time to examine a fixed present moment.
We first confronted our differentness 2000 miles away from home, at two in the morning in the middle of a four day weekend. It started over a simple card game the day before when I politely dismissed a couple people sharing the house with us, friends of friends who had a difference in opinion over the rules.
Just after she came to bed crying, the boy and I were awakened by screaming and pushing on our door, so I had to make choose how to handle the problems of other people. After the confusion, I wasn't too surprised by the insanity: a seemingly benign difference of personal opinion that touched a guest's nerve, leftovers from the earlier mild agression. But, we were more interested in teaching our son about thoughtfulness than having a juvenile confrontation, so we decided that night to simply walk away when they came to kick us out.
The way we live our lives often puts us on the periphery, and we are confused about why. Some people are truly threatened by the honest way we conduct ourselves: try explaining that to a ten year-old at three in the morning when you also don't fully understand human nature.
The worst day of my life was when I saw the look my dad gave me when I told him I was pregnant. I told him and he literally just looked at me, turned around and didn't speak to me for 2 hours. When he finally came to talk to me I thought he was going to yell and scream at me. Such a silly thought to have, I did not grow up with parents that yelled and screamed at each other much less their children. He hugged me and started crying and saying how he only wanted the best for me. I just held him back crying saying "don't cry daddy, don't cry".
It’s so funny to think about all those moments, and to share them. I share them because over the years I have changed so much, learned so much, grown so much. I could have never convinced my younger self that in the future I would have enough confidence to really live life the way I want. Heck, to be lounging around naked without caring if someone can see me. I absolutely enjoy this transition from my first real winter to spring, the slow receding of the snow exposing all the new growth.
Our similarities make it easy. Despite the outward appearances, we are both reserved, thoughtful and shy, so we find each other's uncommon validation very comforting. In spite of two totally different histories, we merged seamlessly, and I will never regret that it took thirty years for us to find each other, because until we met we weren't ready. Now we are both living the lives we always wanted, and our reinfocement gives her a strength I didn't account for.
Clearly the boy doesn't think he has to be tough all the time, in fact he is such an emotional and thoughtful little person that we honestly don't know where he gets it from. His innocence is everything to us, and we never wanted to share any of it - until now.
This new series will include very personal images we normally reserve for ourselves, moments we are reluctant to publicize. In an ever-changing life, this is our journey of documenting, sharing with each other, and teaching ourselves with these images.