March 30, 2019

After all the years of completely misinterpreting the presence of emotion as a mandate for following them, now I understand how useless they are. I’m convinced if I lived the rest of my life on the pure consideration of rationality, I would do quite well and would’t miss out on any significant aspect of being alive. In fact, life would probably be better. So, now I’m attempting to change it all with a new perspective, and I’m starting with the big one.

Fuck. Love.

How I didn’t realize until my recent conclusion that love is so stupid, I’ll never know. For instance, can someone please tell me why in the hell we celebrate it MORE on one day a year than all the rest? It is the epitome of self-absorption. It assumes. It needs. At its best it is empty, and it’s an irrational motivation to make dumbass decisions when we use it severely.

But worst of all, love is irresistible. As much as I want to rid myself of this narcissistic, seductive emotion, I question whether I can fully let go — even though I know it’s only an obstacle to the empty bliss of joy.

March 23, 2019

Last week she told me that I may be the only person she knows who has their life together. I think I chuckled at her comment, because what do I know.

But, really. Do any of us know what we are doing? Does it even matter?

March 16, 2019

The next ten years will bring a substantial transformation, and it often scares the fuck out of me to think about how much life will change. I have always suppressed the fear of nonexistence without considering that perception changes as we collect experience. So, maybe in five years I don’t care as much because the next five years are that much closer.

But, fear is just a scapegoat; I dread the inevitable only because of the difficulty I have with change. The inability to let go is proof of my untrained awareness.

March 9, 2019

Self-Portrait And Shadow, March 2019

There is only joy in nothingness. It is a simple counterintuitive thought, and ultimately true.

Yet, we are not here to be alone, so we share ourselves. Although they served a higher purpose that evaded my awareness, I learned a second truth in twenty-five years of a cyclical pursuit of happiness, often interrupted by the heartache of a relationship with an incompatible partner: trying is empty.

The proof is in the release, and can only be realized if you let go of everything.

March 2, 2019

Translation: change what you believe, and the reality you take for granted holds alternate meaning.