This week I’ve been reflecting more than usual. I was trying to remember when I first started changing. When I really started learning who I was. It was a slow process for me. I’d like to think it’s a slow process for everyone who really takes the time to really get to know themselves. It’s hard to pinpoint the moment I started stripping away all the nonsense of my life.
I remember when I had this idea that I had to suppress so much of myself to make those around me comfortable. I think initially a majority of us do it. Even if you don’t want to admit it to yourself, at some level it’s done. I’ve always simply just wanted to make my parents proud, I think that’s our natural desire as children.
I was 17 the day my mom dropped me off at school and before I got out of the car she told me I should probably just move out. Me and my flippant I know everything ways got it together really quick.
One time I was in the process of telling my dad to “shut up” but only managed to get out “shhh” before he ended all that noise.
I literally remember every time my brothers called me ‘thunder thighs’ once my body started changing. It wasn’t until we were much older that I told them how much that stung.
I remember hearing my sister call me a cunt to one of her friends. Not even sure if she remembers she did that. It’s not something I like to talk about, and we’ve come a long way in our relationship.
Worst day of my life was when I saw the look my dad gave me when I told him I was pregnant. I told him and he literally just looked at me, turned around and didn’t speak to me for 2 hours. When he finally came to talk to me I thought he was going to yell and scream at me. Such a silly thought to have, I did not grow up with parents that yelled and screamed at each other much less their children. He hugged me and started crying and saying how he only wanted the best for me. I just held him back crying saying “don’t cry daddy, don’t cry.”
It’s so funny to think about all those moments, to share them. I share them because I have changed so much. Learned so much. Grown so much. I could have never convinced my younger self that in the future I would have enough confidence to really live life the way I want. Heck, to be lounging around naked without caring if someone can see me. I absolutely enjoy this transition from my first real winter to spring, the slow receding of the snow exposing all the new growth.
There is something exhilarating about life lately. I wish I could bottle that emotion and break it out on the days I just feel like nothing’s going right. Life is just too short.