Since I grew up with basically the same story as you, my recent understanding about the worthlessness of love often seems crazy to me, too. That’s because denying the usefulness of the “feelings” I so intimately took for granted my entire life is extremely uncomfortable. Yet when I honestly think about it, my rational conclusions are always the same. We consider ourselves different from all the other animals, so we glorify our feelings out of a sense of uniqueness. But humans aren’t really driven by emotions. Those are only scapegoats to justify our self-deception, which is ultimately what controls our lives.

I wasted a lot of time writing yesterday. These are the only two paragraphs I kept, not because they are intelligible, but because they mean so much to me. I don’t blame you if you don’t understand.

They were supposed to describe the depth of affection I have for her. I was going to say I’m not really in love, but it almost seems inflammatory to describe that way the most profound relationship I could possibly ever know. I was going to say instead of being in love, our personalities are like two planets incapable of overcoming gravity, or some shit like that. Doesn’t clarify anything, does it?

Well, after three hours of thinking, I don’t know how to explain us. To understand, it just has to happen to you. That’s all I can say.